This is my first attempt to compose lyrics,please leave a comment good or bad,critics are most welcome.
when you touched me and the sun was gone
the lights were low and the breeze had just begun
i felt tingled and my heart gave away in love
when my sighs sounded like they were in deep pain ,in sweet pain that you gave my heart and came too close to me that night .when you touched me gently and kissed my face
i heard the music play in my heart
can never forget the sweet pain that i felt when all the heavenly bodies united to testify, the sweetness that our love filled in the air
and often i lose myself in memories of that night
when the sun was gone and night had arrived
when our love was on extreme high
when i heard sound of arousal in my sighs
all my chords played the music for you to hear
that i am high on your love tonight
and i let myself lose and tried not to hold my feeling that night and believed in the music my heart played, when all the heavenly bodies showered us with chants that they could feel the sweetness of love that filled the air, when you touched my chords and they played the music for us that night when i was deep in love.
copyright(c)alka narula
photo credit groonk.net
Posts
Beautifully penned! On a lyrical 'note'(no pun intended he he) I think some condensing of words may be required and maybe include a repeat chorus of words :-) Definitely one of my favorite 'poems' from you!
ReplyDeletethank u fiona for the feedback as well as for your comment:)i will work on the points mentioned:)thank u
ReplyDeleteYou're most welcome, Alka :-)
Deletewowed..loved every word of it...bravo
ReplyDeletethat's passionate.. that is what your words reflect a lot of passion for love. They take me in the fantasy of the moment, it is like I am experiencing something..
ReplyDeletenuktaa thank u sooooooo much:)
ReplyDeleteohhhhhh beyond thank u soooooooo much..you cant imagine how much these wrds mean to me..u just made my day:)
ps am so sooooorrryyyy for the late response was very tied up this week
Okay...so If that was your first attempt, then I would say that when I was going through your post, to me it never appeared to be your first attempt...
ReplyDeletethat was really a good one...
Cynosure
I agree with Fiona, a little trimming of words is needed. A good first attempt for sure :) Keep up <3
ReplyDelete~ Chintan
Hey---All I know is I enjoyed it-love in air- Cool
ReplyDeletecheers
Sush
cynosure thank you so much:)and thanks for visiting:)
ReplyDeletechintan thank you for the feedback:)
sush than you:)cheers to u too:)
when you touched me gently and kissed my face
Deletei heard the music play in my heart "
amazing lines alka ..
keep writing more
thank you readitt:)thank u so much:)
DeleteGood one Alka!
ReplyDeletethank u rahul:)
DeleteAll it needs is a tune and you are done :)
ReplyDeletethank u anna:)thank u so much
Deleteas far as words are considered they are beautiful
ReplyDeleteand they looks good as poem
for lyrics you need little bit of rhyming
This comment has been removed by the author.
Deletethanks for the feedback chirag will definitely work on it:)
DeleteBeautiful words...Alka....I simply love it
ReplyDeletethank u seema:)
Deletegud play with words and flowing with emotions.......
ReplyDeletebut too much kama-ndable(commendable) :P :D lolz
haha thanks:)
Deletenicely written :)
ReplyDelete- Shanoj
thank u:)
Deletevery good first attempt Alka...
ReplyDeleteam not very good when it comes to judge something but i believe li'l bit of rhyming and repetition was needed ..
regards
rahul
hi thank u for the feedback will definitely work on it
DeleteIt conveys what it should convey ... and it represents you ... it is nice ( I read it )...any amends rob it of your presence ...
ReplyDeletethank u sooooooooooo much for ur kind words:)
Deleteflawless flow, completely infused into the aura of togetherness:)
ReplyDeletevisiting for the first time. lovely blog <3
thank u for stopping by here and thank u soooo much for ur kind words...hope u l cum back again:)
Deletevery passionate and beautiful write....i loved the rhyming scheme...however the only suggestion that i could make is some indentation changes, some recess, no period and less use of noise words...ofcourse, i mean no offense and not to take away any credit from your thought process...still its a fine piece of work, very well penned...
ReplyDeletethank you for sharing
hi thank you for the feedback..will work on it..no offense taken as this was my first attempt at lyrics,critics are welcome:)thank u
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteVery nice. Full of feeling.
ReplyDeleteNice first attempt. All the best.
Regards,
Keyur
thecommonmanspeaks.com
keyur thank u so much:)
DeleteBeautiful.
ReplyDeleteThe core of love is expressed in your lines.
thank u sooooo much:)
DeleteThis post is beautiful, especially for a first attempt.....somehow it makes one to love someone with great passion....and that indeed is what your poem does..to love someone
ReplyDeleteawwwww:)thank u sooooooooooo much for ur kind wrds:)
DeleteGive it a tune, it will be beautifulllEST!!! :) nice one...
ReplyDeletethank u anu:)thank u sooooo much
DeleteThis seems to be more like a free verse than a lyric minus a tune. A tune will be interesting considering the words like "begun, arousal, suppress..." that are easy to read and easier to write yet hard to sing; difficult yet possible, to be optimistic or atleast to sound like one.
ReplyDeleteAs they say a good writer writes once and edits 99 times. So all the best with the composure.
VST
thank u fr the feedback will definitely wrk on it:)thank u so much
Deletehey, its superb...why u say its an first attempt? i think
ReplyDeleteYou are well in poetry..bcze the lines are so feel...
thank u soooooo much:)....i visited ur site bt couldn find the translation link if u cud guide me wid it
DeleteThis is so beautiful because it is straight from the heart, and I could feel it! That is true poetry. You touched my heart chord :)
ReplyDeletethank u sooooooooooooooooooooooo much arti fr ur kind wrds thank u:)
DeleteOne minor comment, compositions to be used in a tune, usually have rhyming, as conventionally it is seen to be important, for listeners (may be). I don't say songs must have rhyming, but it is better that way I feel.
ReplyDeleteApart from that the symbolism used is kind of common, and you might want to expand on that "you touched my chords and they played the music for us", and on "all heavenly bodies aligned to testify the holiness of our love". For me, those two are standing out, from rest.
thank you for the feedback i really appreciate it...will keep in mind thank u
Delete:)
A good attempt, Alka! Since you asked for opinion, I'd like to share a few thoughts: may be a little formatting is needed so that the look is also as good as the feel of the poem. Same goes for spacing and indent. I am no expert, but trying to avoid repeating words has helped me...
ReplyDeleteFor a first attempt, this one is really good. Now that you also got the feel of it, I am sure more will follow....Right (write) on!!!
hi nisha thank u for the feedback will surely wrk on it:)
DeleteHi Alka: Good imagination, expression...as a professional lyricist, I can see some room for improvement, but these are technical matters. If interested in Lyrics, try Audio blogging...if you are on FB, join me and I can may be give you a few pointers. Good luck!
ReplyDeletehi satish..thank you for the feedback and advice..i will definitely join u on facebook:)thanks fr d help.
DeleteI'm no expert to judge. But since you have asked, I feel it's a good one to start off. A little bit of trimming and its ready to be tuned. Hope we get to hear it on your audio blog soon.
ReplyDeletethank you leo paw....sorry fr the late response have a major prob wid my data card need to hold it to access net its loose..:( sob sob
Deletehey ..nice words and concept.. though maybe some lines were too long for a poem.. the school of thought that says lines should rhyme is being contradicted now but i think some element of rhyming adds to the essence of poetry...so my feedback would be to inculcate that .. would be looking forward to more of such passionate poetry from you :)
ReplyDeletethank you for the feedback..and am soooooooo sorry for the late reply some prob with my data card
Deleteliked it:)
ReplyDeletethank you:)
DeleteNICE EFFORT . IF FIRST ONE IS SO GOOD, FURTHER WILL BE GOOD. KEEP WRITING
ReplyDeletethank you soooooo much:)
Delete"i heard the music play in my heart
ReplyDeletecan never forget the sweet pain that i felt when all the heavenly bodies united to testify,the sweetness that our love filled in the air and often i lose myself in memories of that night"
Those are my favorite lines.:)
Beautiful poem!!! :)
thank you sooooooo much jen
Deletewell i found it lovely.. regarding leaving a comment on how it was good or bad well I am not that intelligent to give verdicts on someones work..
ReplyDeleteBut to me it was lovely as i cud understand what it was saying ...
Bikram's
thank you sooo much and am really sorry for the late reply sum problm with my data card
DeleteThough i have been writing poems for a very long time...at times i too get confused about the type of POetry to be used for a particular Poems. I will put yours into modern free verse with imagery.becuse the contxt is clear you could have put the verses into paragraph which would have created more impact and you could also have kept the lines minimal through very smart usage of words,mataphors. Overall its a fantastic try and I am sure this is just the beginning and there would be improvements. Not sure of the Title...if you have delebrately written "FRM" instead of From. Nice write and well done....welcome to the rare group of rare breed of Poets in India ( In ENGLISH) :)
Deletefirst of all i would like to thank you for your visit...yes,FRM is deliberate....now about your feed back...i must thank you for your feed back and will surely consider your advice in future...yes i am new to this world and will certainly try to improve,thank you sooooooooooooo much.
Delete